Three Mistakes Women Make In Divorce: What Not To Do

Several months ago, my husband and I separated. I was blindsided. He, for all practical purposes, dumped me after 17 years of marriage. As I reached out for support, I found women with similar stories. There were some who knew it was coming, and those who initiated it. Either way, it’s a gut-wrenching, life changing event. I write this from recent experience and from talking with friends. I have also heard cautionary tales from women who are years out, far beyond the trenches, as I call them.

For me, some days are better than others. And, some are beyond any pain or exhaustion I ever thought I’d feel. There are rays of light, periods of relief, moments of you’re going to get through this, so I have some perspective. Mediation dates are set. I am living day-by-day. And that’s what I’d recommend you do. Hunker down, it won’t last forever. And don’t go it alone.

The early days are an overwhelming emotional upheaval, an unrelenting tempest, and for me, and as I’ve seen for others, support will help you weather the storm.

Yet, there are things you may be doing, some I have done myself, that can make this time more difficult. Familiar behaviors and habits are hard to break. Your mindset has to shift. Unless you are in an unusually amicable and emotionally mature situation, you must make that shift. Talk with a friend, a therapist, read a recommended book, do something, but get support. The early days are an overwhelming emotional upheaval, an unrelenting tempest, and for me, and as I’ve seen for others, support will help you weather the storm.

Now, a caveat to be taken with a grain of salt so huge I’ll just call it a salt lick: What about the amicable/uncontested divorce? If you can truly say your divorce is amicable and you and your soon-to-be-ex can sit down together and talk through who gets the couch, what’s the kids’ visitation schedule, and who bought that Pearl Jam CD, that’s great. But don’t rush to this. And don’t assume because you talked through tough issues whilst married, you’ll be able to do so now.

There is a saying “You never really know someone until you divorce them.” Sadly, this has been true for me. I’m not sitting down for a chat. I am not safe, and it would not be productive. It took years, maybe decades to get to this point; it will not take a few weeks to disentangle. Don’t rush and do not be pressured.

In my case, my husband pushed for a no-contest divorce. He wanted it “over with.” He wanted to “get on with his life.” These are things he said to me fewer than 48 hours after he declared, “I don’t love you anymore and I’m done.” This was something he’d been planning for months. Mind you, we were not frolicking in meadows and making passionate love every day, but he had not indicated he was thinking of leaving. Not by a long shot. I was sucker-punched.

Know your rights, even if you feel bullied, which I did. In my case, and in my state, Texas, an uncontested divorce is allowed only if none of the following are present: you have no children together under age 18; you both want to end your marriage (after that initial conversation, I was on board with that); you do not have an ongoing bankruptcy case; you do not own property together and do not have retirement benefits to divide; and you are not seeking alimony. Well, we had four out of five; thankfully, no bankruptcy. An uncontested divorce was not an option. 

You are in an emotional tornado. Don’t agree to anything just to be free for now. This is the rest of your life.

So, that’s the first thing: Do not let your soon-to-be ex, your pain, your anger, or anything else push you to make rash decisions. You are in an emotional tornado. Don’t agree to anything just to be free for now. This is the rest of your life. Protect yourself. If you’re not in an emotional place to do that, hire someone or enlist a friend or family member to so do for you. Have them communicate for you, if need be. Also, and it was not the case with me, if you are in physical danger, if your children are in danger, you have resources at your disposal. You can get restraining orders, and 911 is three numbers away. It’s ugly, but these are truths that some women face. I’ll put links at the end of this post. If you fear for your life, leave. Now. And get help.